1. Schedule something the night you know a game is being played. Like a friend’s work’s holiday party, or anything else that involves heavy drinking.

2. Miss the games, then furiously text friends/family members you know are watching the games and ask them to give you updates. This way you can miss the pain of your favorite teams losing, and who gives a crap if the teams you want to lose actually lose.

3. Feign pissiness that you missed games, especially if/when something cool actually happens.

4. Have an outrageous hangover, attempt to watch next day’s games at parents’ house. Mostly pass out during game, making it really tough to  stay awake and cheer. But who cares anyway.

Pretty stupid game plan, but really, here is who is going to the playoffs: it’s going to be either Chargers or Colts, because the Jets will eventually lose, versus either the Vikings or, at this rate, the Cowboys, because I don’t think the Saints have it in them anymore to make it through the rest of the games. So, probably like, Chargers and Vikings or Cowboys. LAME.

In other news, DC can now shut the hell up about the whole head coach jam, because Snyder used the dark forces to make Mike Shanahan sign with the Skins. Now the controversy about how much say Snyder will have, and who Shanahan will draft, begin. If he picks up anything, ANYTHING, INCLUDING A QUARTERBACK, before an O-lineman, I will just….be…really pissed. Because what the fuck else am I going to do, seriously. Probably blog about it angrily.

Also in other news: so Pete Carroll to Seattle, eh? Rough stuff. I wonder what it will do to the football program.

It’s January, and I’m ready for March Madness. Right now.

What's up, Lavar Arrington?

with, for some reason, this guy:

Uh, hey, Chad Dukes. Finish school yet?

So, besides that, um, radio personality match-up, I am really enjoying it, and it makes me wonder, just how the hell can I get on a sports radio talk show? It would save me SO much time and energy, especially since I wouldn’t have to write so much and take so much time to blog everything I think about, I could just say it into a mike! And people would have to listen to it! And I would get paid for it! Great job, or greatest friggin’ job ever? I would, I suppose, have to dramatically cut back on swearing and un-P.C. slurs and comments, and I would have to study up on some history (as I didn’t become a big fan until like, 1990s, and I have little knowledge of older sports beyond the Joe Gibbs era). I would be more than willing to do both though, especially for sports in this city.

Final comment (without any further discussion, because now it’s just getting stupid): so HOW BOUT THAT GILBERT ARENAS?

Oh, buddy, did you screw up or what.

Discuss amongst yourselves (or listen to DC Sports Radio idiot call-in fans discuss all day, for the next month, on 106.7FM).

And in the year 2010…

WELP, SEE YA LATER!

WHEW. I’m glad we got that off our hands, world. I admit, it came much quicker than I expected–I anticipated like, a week of mumbling around and wasted-time on Dan Snyder‘s part. Hell, they friggin’ announced it was going to happen while Zorn was still coaching a game against San Diego. (And mother of god, was that a waste of my afternoon. You know, Redskins, if you had just gone out there and sat on the 50 yard line, it would have had the same effect? But no, you had to be winning, go well, make TDs, then miss a series of interceptions and opportunities to win the game, then lose within the last 2 minutes. Sums up the season pretty well, actually. Assholes. Although I suppose it was better than watching the other game I really wanted to watch at the time, the Eagles-Dallas game, which ended up sucking just as much. WTF, Donovan McNabb, did you forget how to throw all of the sudden? This is getting to be a ridiculously long aside.)

Where was I? Ah yes, the end of Zorn. Talk about going out with a whimper. So yesterday a buddy of mine at work and I hauled ass over to a bar across the street to watch the press conference where we were sure, we were positive, my man Bruce Allen was going to introduce Mike Shanahan as the new head coach, who would then introduce his all-star assistant coaching team of awesomeness, then Snyder would shrivel up like the little shitbox he is, and all would be right with the world again. Like the end of Mean Girls.

ANYWAY. Not only did that not happen, but friggin’ nothing happened at this press conference. Not. A. God. Damn. Thing. Allen effectively answered the same question (“what do you want to change in the year 2010?”) and avoided the same question (“LOOK WHO THE FUCK IS GOING TO BE OUR HEAD COACH ALREADY?!”) within the same breath. So, like many things related to Redskins football, that was a waste of time. Then, to make things even more awkward, they friggin’ let Zorn have his own press conference. Like, holy shit, you just told the guy to pack up and leave, now you’re putting him back in the spotlight? What could he possibly have to add on to this atrocious season?

If anything, the press conference Zorn held (if we can call it a press conference, “circus” might be a more fitting descriptor) only solidified two (negative) things for me about Jimmy: that he was never, never, ready to be a head coach, and that this team has some serious bad disciplinary habits to tackle in the off-season. Amid Zorn’s “aw, shucks, media!”-quips and his stupid laughs, it became clear that Zorn never should have been promoted from offensive coordinator, and that he never had a hold on these guys. Never did he yell, he never got mad, he never pointed the finger at the real culprit, Snyder’s evil empire, as the real reason why we got F’d in the A, he never pointed to the fact that he didn’t have an offensive line to work with or any penalties to impose on his players, he never said anything. And Jim, NOW–I mean, THEN–was the time to say something! Grow a pair, man! Get mad! Sure, you were a shitty head coach, but it’s partly not your fault!

And now begins the Shanahan-Allen-Snyder dance, which consists of money talk and control arguments. Last I heard the real holdout was that Shanahan was willing to do it for the money, but he (and Allen) were concerned about the question of final say on issues of the draft and free agents. Snyder is notorious, NOTORIOUSLY bad at building a team. Both Allen and Shanahan could build a solid offensive line–forces combined, hell, they could build a competitive team. But we all know Snyder wants to keep his hand in the cookie jar. I mean, god damnit, doesn’t Snyder fucking hear all the bad press about him and the Skins? Are you really that thick-skulled, man? It’s like, if you are driving at 100 mph, and the person sitting next to you is screaming, “SLOW DOWN! I CAN SEE A WALL UP AHEAD!”, and you can hear him and everything, but you keep driving because you like the way the car feels? WHAT THE FUCK, DAN. GIVE US A BREAK.

So, like always, we will see. I am predicting a less-than-clean outcome, with either Shanahan looking across the table at Snyder’s little piglet-eyes, and realizing what a deal he’s making with the devil, or Shanahan hiring a lawyer to execute his dismissal clause in his contract (when he gets fired in 2 years because Snyder never let him build an offensive like, so we go like, 5-11 and 7-9 or some shit, and miss the playoffs, again, because Snyder wanted like, that QB from Notre Dame). Either way I’m sick of thinking about it. It’s driving me nuts. Like when you were a kid and your parents got you a bike for Christmas, and you saw it all wrapped up and you fucking knew it was a bike, but you had to wait. JUST GIVE US MIKE SHANAHAN THE BIKE, SNYDER MOM AND DAD.

Anyway. In other news:

-Is it just me, or are the 2009-2010 bowl games kind of…ho hum..boring? Granted, I missed probably the most exciting one last night, Boise State-TCU, but there’s still the BCS Championship Bowl Thursday night with Alabama and Texas, and I do like the Crimson Tide. Mostly because of this guy:

Too soon to get an Ingram jersey?

I’m not usually a big bowl-game person, considering the team I cheer for (Virginia) could, at this point, be beaten by a group of second grade girls. But I try to catch some college football bowl game action. When the hell are they getting playoffs? Come on, Obama, I thought that was like, up there with health care.

-Colts, I am very, very pissed off at you. VERY. What, you couldn’t risk a couple of bruises for a perfect season? You couldn’t handle lighter practices in order to smear 16-0 and the Patriots and 1972 Dolphins faces? I know you’re pissed, Peyton Manning. Weak. Sauce.

-Ouch, Giants. Are you guys, like, looking to get rid of Eli Manning any time soon? We should talk…

-Loved the Bears over the Vikings last Monday night. Still hate the Vikings today.

-Jets fans getting annoying. Real quick.

-Skins send a measly one player to the Pro Bowl, and it’s not London Fletcher. FAIL.

Good work, Kareem Moore, because Hakeem Nicks is totally stoppable from the ground.

HOLY HELL. Wha? Huh? How? Why? Who? No–huh???

I had nightmares about this game. No, I’m sorry, I had night terrors about this game. I have never, ever, seen a more dysfunctional, outrun, outplayed, out-passed, out-scored, out-done performance in my entire football-watching life. I have seen some awful games–the highlights alone from the Tennessee-New England game (59-0 NE) still make my heart sad–but this was, by far, the worst.

It was so bad, that’s all I could scream at the end from my stands, where I stood with my little brother and the few Skins fans that actually stuck around into the 4th quarter, huddled and freezing, feet soaked in melted snow, drunk off $8 coors lights, just screaming, over and over again, “THE WORST! YOU’RE THE WORST! IT’S THE WORST!” until my throat hurt and my heart broke. I kept thinking back to just a couple of hours before, when we all first arrived, excited, cheering on our new GM Bruce Allen (“Surely he will clean up this team! But let’s hope he keeps Jason Campbell and the rest of our hard-working, ragamuffin second- and third-stringers who pulled our team together and will pull off this W tonight!”), screaming “FRED SMOOOOT” and “BRIAN ORAKPOOOOOO” as they barreled out of the tunnel, blissfully ignorant of the massive, horrible, playoff-hungry hurtin’ the Giants had in store for us.

We were all like, “the Giants? Eli Manning? Pfffft. They’re on a losing streak. Tom Coughlin had to defend their defensive coordinator. Lots of injuries and problems on the offense. Let’s get in their mother fucking heads and spoil some playoff hopes.” It all seemed so simple. Just do what we have been doing for the past few games, in which we managed to give the Cowboys and the Eagles a run for the money, almost spoil the Saints‘ perfect season, and crush the Raiders at home: screens to Fred Davis. Adequate blocking for Quinton Ganther. Devin Thomas to return punts/kicks. Quick thinking Jason, get out of the pocket, don’t be afraid to use your legs. LaRon Landry to free safety. DeAngelo Hall, Fred Smoot, and Carlos Rodgers, ALLLL over those WRs–not an inch, no more zone coverage, man-to-man all the way. Right? Totally fucking doable.

WHAT HAPPENED OUT THERE?? I know the Giants were hungry, I know Giants fans packed Fed Ex looking for a W, I know they were pissy because they just came off a three-game losing streak, but no one, not even the Giants, could have predicted what actually happened last night.

Sac after sac after sac after sac.

No offensive line. None. No blocking, no nothing.

Giants found the balance between the run and the pass.

Ahmad Bradshaw especially had an excellent game, both running the ball through the massive, tracker trailer-sized holes in our D-line, and receiving short screen passes from Manning.

HORRIBLE secondary.

As if all the work we’ve done and all the lessons we’ve learned–from covering DeSean Jackson, Brandon Marshall, Miles Austin, Reggie Bush–none of it mattered. Same shit, different day.

Absolutely retarded play-calling.

Like this complete bullshit, horrible, terrible, WORST IDEA EVER HOW THE HELL COULD YOU EVEN THINK TO DO SOMETHING SO STUPID play, during which, at the end of the 1st half, the Skins YET AGAIN missed an opportunity to put some points on the board. Hunter Smith lines up to kick a field goal and OH WAIT, here comes a very obvious, very poorly executed swinging gate play to get a TD, and right before they could snap, timeout Giants. And even after the play resumed they still lined up to “fake a field goal” with the swinging gate bullshit, on national fucking TV, and of course, Giants plow right through to Smith, who throws into, what, triple coverage? Quadruple coverage? Interception. Whoever fucking thought this would work should be tucked in a burlap sac and beaten with hammers. And nevermind that the Skins used this exact same kind of BS trickery against the Giants already once this season. Coughlin saw Smith prance out on the field and immediately thought, “Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, I’m going to bury you in the fucking turf, you no-talent ass clowns. That wildcard spot is mine.”

It was all so, so much worse watching this live at the game. Not only did all the Skins fans bail, but the low-lifes who stayed (present company–me–excepted) made the organization look that much worse. Fights between Skins fans breaking out all over the place for the dumbest reasons. I commented at one point on how enthusiastic the remaining Giants fans were, and some complete piece of trash with a Casey Rabach jersey on (who the fuck wears a Casey Rabach jersey) turns around and slurs, “oyeaah? you gotta prolem? you can jes keep walkin’ oudda door.” Yeah, because that will fucking help, you disgusting cockroach. That’s about how I, and I’m sure the very disgusted Giants fans, felt towards the end of the game: get me the fuck out of this stadium and away from these people.

It was a long ride of shame home on the metro, where everyone hung their heads, calculated how much money they had pissed away on tickets, and said a silent prayer for next season. I am god damn sick of saying “it’s a rebuilding year!” Rebuilding what? Dan Snyder‘s bank account? My hopes and dreams only to be crushed again? I don’t ask for much–I would like to contend in a championship or two, I don’t expect SuperBowl trophies or breaking NFL records, but I do expect a god damn winning season every once in a blue moon.

Now all this hub-bub about Zorn being fired (who cares), Bruce Allen having his work cut out for him (big whoop), Jason Campbell has a black eye (I hope he punched his entire O-line in the face afterwards), blah blah blah. I have never been this embarrassed to be a Skins fan, this ashamed, this disgusted, this disheartened. We play Dallas next weekend (ouch) and San Diego in two weeks (DOUBLE OUCH). I am afraid of these games. I fear for my team’s lives. I love this town and this team’s history, I love football and I love yelling and competition, but last night was so heart-breaking, so gross, so over-the-top-bad, that there are no words beyond good grief.

Coming to you live from the sidelines...or the couch

I hate Demarcus Ware. And the end of the perfect season for New Orleans. And Tony Romo. But mostly what I hate is how, for the rest of the fucking week, shitty, horrible Dallas fans will come out of the wood work to be assbags.

Signing off for the night to dream of a Colts/Saints SuperBowl and to pray for a horrible case of broken knees shingles crabs gonorrhea for Dallas’ defensive line.

Coming to you live from the sidelines...or the couch

Alright, enough screwing around: let’s get this shiz done.

Things are looking up. The quarter opened with a nice return by the Saints that seemed to be a real spark. Brees looks a lot better, now if only his WRs could make some catches. Devery Henderson missed a key would-have-been TD pass, not cool. But the run they have going now (about 6 minutes into the 4th) has been unbelievably effective. Excellent looks by Brees and—TD New Orleans! Good work Lance Moore!

The Saints are a comeback team–even if they don’t pull a W out of this game, they’re not going to fuck around and rack up a deficit because of some injuries and mistakes. This is what they looked like against the Skins a couple weekends ago after dirtbag Shaun Shuisham missed a like, 5 yard field goal.

As the commentators put it, “Sit back, America, and watch–this is what great football looks like.”

Coming to you live from the sidelines...or the couch

What is this, your defense, which has been incredibly effective all season, and now they can’t tell the difference between the run and the pass? Romo is faking out everyone on the defensive line on like, every play. What the hell, defensive coordinator (and former Redskins d-coordinator), get your shit together, man. Slap your defense around or something. I can’t believe how long the Saints offensive has been hanging around on the sideline, waiting to come in.

Touchdown Marion Barber. Very, very piss-poor defense in the red zone. Not happy.

Coming to you live from the sidelines...or the couch

New Orleans, I don’t know what is going on over there—I can’t say I’m not too panicked right now, even though NFL network is already tagging this is “upset of the season,” and even though the Saints have gone into halftimes of the past few games either tied up, with a narrow lead, or behind. They’ve given up way too many points, true, but they’ve kept their cool, kept the penalties to a minimum (Dallas’ O-line has actually been, I think, quite sloppy), and kept a tight D even in the red zone.

Some things I think are throwing them off are:

-the loss of Reggie Bush, Jonathon Goodwin, and Randall Gay, who apparently collapsed? I missed that earlier. But the loss of these players is pretty major, especially on punt returns and in the secondary. Miles Austin is all over the place with little coverage. <—EDIT: Bush and Goodwin will return. Their time out, though, left a noticeable hole.

-Marion Barber is having a (surprisingly) good game. The Cowboys have been relying on Felix Jones for the most part, and I think the return of Barber–and his success–has caused a bit of a shake-up.

-Cowboys pass rush is looking retardedly good. Fucking Demarcus Ware.

-Saints just can’t keep possession of the ball. As of now, beginning of second half, 0/4 on 3rd down conversions. Cripes.

-Tony Romo playing smart football: couple of times Barber wasn’t ready or there was some other line of scrimmage issue, and Romo played it cool both times, ran the ball himself or found an open player. Have we seen the last of “uh oh, it’s December, Tony” Romo? I certainly hope not.

Keeping my fingers crossed for New Orleans. The crowd needs to WAKE UP and get much louder!

Coming to you live from the sidelines...or the couch

So, since I am blogging from the DC area, which is covered with a friggin’ 2 foot deep blanket of snow, and I have been cooped up inside for a majority of the day, and the Saints/Cowboysgirls game is on, how about a little live commentary?

I came in a little late (and have been drinking mulled wine for the past hour or so–excuse any typos), and it’s 14-3 Cowboys. The thing that is immediately clear is that, despite the game being at the Dome in New Orleans, Drew Brees is clearly shaken up. He’s moving out of the pocket well, but he’s letting loose a bunch of wacky, uncharacteristically-risky throws. His pass to Marques Colston was just intercepted by Malcolm Jenkins (off a rare risky throw). Brees knows better and it makes me wonder if he’s feeling the pressure.

Boy do the Saints need Reggie Bush. Lance Moore, who is now returning punts, just got friggin laid out without gaining any yards. I think he hurt his hamstring or something–not good.

Brees just handed Demarcus Ware his 10th sack of the season, and the ball goes to Dallas with 45 seconds left in the half. Come on, Greg Williams, step up your defense, cover Miles Austin, and watch out for screens to Jason Witten. The CBs (the ones who are not injured) have a lot of work to do.